Today, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced a major cost-savings initiative, slated to save the taxpayers upwards of $1 billion, by ending subsidies for commercial livestock operations on public lands in the American West. “By taking the ranchers off the federal dole, we’ve finally hit upon a government efficiency measure that will actually save the taxpayers huge stacks of cash,” said Elon Musk, Vague Overlord of the Department of Government Efficiency. “Pasturing cattle and sheep on public lands has been costing the taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars for decades, and now we can send each American a check for $2.50 while I pocket the rest.”
The list of livestock subsidies targeted for the federal axe is a long one. The federal range management system will be dismantled, saving tens of millions from a program that never paid for itself by charging only $1.35 per cow-calf pair each month, compared to rents around $25 for the same livestock on private land. With fewer cattle and sheep in drought-prone deserts, drought-relief payments are slated for elimination. By eliminating the primary vectors of cheatgrass invasion, the firefighting staff of the Bureau of Land Management becomes largely obsolete. Eliminating public lands livestock grazing returns 65% or more of the annual vegetation production on federal lands to native wildlife including elk and deer herds, while saving tens of millions in endangered species mitigation funding, as these species rebound naturally in newly-resilient ecosystems.
“We’ll have sage grouse coming out of our ears, so there will be no need for government regulation of their habitats under the Endangered Species Act, and we can ‘Drill, Baby, Drill,’” Musk enthused.
The move drew fear and loathing from the livestock industry, with ranchers who formerly leased public lands whining in dismay at the announcement.
“I don’t know how our cattle businesses are going to survive, paying equal rates on public lands as our private-land-owning colleagues. It’s not fair!” said Rick Robitaille-Magagna of the Wyoming Oil and Beef Association. “Where is America going to get its food?”
“We’re going to keep growing beef where it makes sense, on private lands that don’t require so many subsidies,” Musk countered. “Since 98.6% of American beef comes from private and state lands, shifting beef production to the private sector will make the industry as a whole more profitable while customers continue to find plenty of beef in the grocery aisle.”
The decision came after an all-night group chat on Signal in which top administration officials consulted with meatpacking executives and grocery distributors to see where cost-savings could best be achieved to offset anticipated losses in farm and livestock profits as a result of anticipated tariffs.
“We studied raising the rent from $1.35 per cow-calf pair each month to fair-market value of $25 a pair, but it turned out that the federal grazing program was still hemorrhaging cash,” said Karen Budd-Falen, Acting Deputy Director of the BLM, in a rare moment of candor. “So we just decided to bail on the whole idea. It’s time to start running the government like a business!”
April Fools! The Department of Government Efficiency isn’t actually trying to save the taxpayers money. Its real goal is to sabotage and shrink government agencies, and to dismantle federal regulations and oversight that hamper the corporate plundering of the natural wealth on western public lands.
